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Easier Not To

taxed, unfelt and lacked
a grip and a path towards the castle
into storms, dragged past blue, to white pointed walls
loud screams and slams
now resembling the calm
rooted in uneven
sorted through, thrown out
reduced to four, two and then spoiled brown
stale-mounted frost
a mess of shattered glass in the park, crashed face-first
a caribou shared and a rose substituted for the rest
dark held breath, into red thought

A Calming Spot

I sit in my favourite spot
There are many beautiful trees
It sits on the edge of a lake
Very calm and serene
The air is clear and incredibly clean

My head is filled with anxiety and stress, though
It’s like I can’t stop the feeling of uneasiness.
A total lack of confidence in myself
There are thoughts of too many people, situations and worries going through
my mind

Beyond the trees and grass and lake, lies the city
Noisy and intense
I can’t really hear it from where I am sitting
but almost as soon as I leave the park, I’m immediately thrown back into it
All of the anxiety comes rushing back at me
Phones ring, people yell at me and it all makes me feel really bad about
myself
I go back home and sit and drink and hide from the world
Everything that I feel sets out to intentionally hurt me

I recently returned to that spot after quite a long period away
The trees had fallen into the water
The ground was too wet to sit on
Mud covered all of the grass
Everything around had changed so that you couldn’t get near it
The spot was finally inaccessible to me

Suddenly so steep.

Continually making choices along the way

that speak only to my weaknesses.

The rut overtaking.

Rational thought.

Left with so many options.

We seem only to choose what is the worst for small wrong blamed.

For so much.

Tiny breadcrumbs never followed.

Realizing what is now and how it has become the punishment

for so many small errors and so few opportunities.

Taken and run with.

Why can I not learn from the mistake that I made only yesterday.

How come I forget the stolen moment

as well as the pull that once seemed so strong.

As my courage increases, I lose my sense of how it once was.

All the things that I used to fight for, I could care even less.

Now there are bigger issues.

I’ve completely lost my sense of pettiness

and my sympathy for those that complain, with so much.

Once I felt as if I owned nothing real,

that I had done nothing and only struggled to stay alive.

Fat, wasted, lacking purpose and self,

but yet all the overwhelming beauty in the world.

That which is standing right beside me.

Long Heard Overhead

long heard overhead
the endless repeats of the cartoon computer screen
a faint period of mourning
the lucidity and fascinating stories that disappear so quickly
I sense this needs attending to
years go by, as I stopped it all
grass felt in the most undemanding of ways
afraid to even leave a room, a room that is not even mine
the cement wall, the broken pipe
slept in darkness
embarrassed and moist
the forest and lake on either side
trying to force minds changed already
the farmer, the writer, the musician
misunderstood signs
many lost directions
brief and slight, funny and queer
finding myself lost in the spin
in the momentary feeling
the afternoon letter
the park and misheard identity
the two times five
red quart left
the small white bed
the dark held breath
twenty six more
wandered like blushing brides
the jam and the cocks
quiet but effective
calligraphy in book flaps
humbled by my blood in his care
the key in a car
the steam on the glass
it all stayed while I ran
off somewhere else, where I would always go
jumped the bush, fell on my face
away and then off again still
until now when I stay

Nobbylocks

polish
11-years old
I'm in a playground with other boys
crying and crying
at the wall
being squeezed out of a tube
I see myself coming out
dec. 24th, 1994
things I cannot explain
beat the limits right out of me
I don't care
stevie wonder embraced me
held both of my arms and whispered tenderly to me
quiet and beautiful
edge of a canyon
a sunrise at 5pm
completely surrounded by fifty elk
drinking loose earl grey tea
gasoline
scattered symbols, coloured
blood
4
set
isolated thought
noise
the smack of a hand
rushing trains
hazy drawing reality
stuck in my head
I see a room from two opposite views
candles test my fear
sitting on the floor of my closet
stuff falling on me
sinking to the bottom
waiting for someone to hear me
to come and help me
woke up mom
stuff on the porch
not laid down
before I was born
quiet, but effective
feeling nothing
darkness
silence

Lady In White

what is this?
a lady in white?
like any of us are!
more like a suit of armour
a suit of armour and a mile from her heart to her skull.
a smile. her eyelashes, a fishing rod, and she can escape
I told her that I loved her and that we would be together until we died.
stressed out by a car.
it's like today. I don't feel like talking.
such and such.
writing anything unlike what I REALLY am.
not close like you would think.
what is that?
that's what he asked me.
more like 14 than I really care to admit.

Wasting Time

wasting time
I am not with my fate.
I'm just wasting time.
I see the end in sight, not thinking with my heart.
with you only to avoid being alone with myself.
refusing the advances of my destiny for fear of being trapped.
accepted others to make sure there was always an escape.
your fate, not in me.
you are just wasting time.
you see an end in sight, not thinking with your heart.
with me only to avoid being alone with yourself.
refusing the advances of your destiny for fear of being trapped.
accepted me to make sure there was always an escape.
you are just wasting time, not with your fate.

I Hate Noise

I hate noise
thoughts
the cry of a baby
the withdrawing as I'm touched
screaming ladies
distant
cars crashing
the smash of a bar
rushing trains
I'm stuck in my head
I am a candle
I am nothing
with others I become light
aflame with beautiful persons and magnificent sights
there are many flames in this world
not all ignite
my love for sports
my love for whiskey
the beauty of a perfect play
the beauty of my misted drink
the contentment I feel in the disconnection I feel from others
the contentment I feel as my vision slowly blurs
pure perfection embodied in the intensity of a fight
pure perfection embodied in all the scattered symbols
blood
refusal
pints of lager
prizes that call out to me
distractions fill the emptiness
I hate the crack of a stick
the smack of two hands
I hate noise

A Love So True There Once Was

a love so true there once was
a burning passion that no ocean could stop
it saddens me to realize that the fire now burns cold
the wind continues blowing to extinguish rather than to enhance
this love was an enjoyment, never a burden
it was detected by all that would pass it
never was there a love so sweet and built on so much truth
it was always showered with gifts and joys
it was a pleasure that could be felt by many
now this same love has burned in it's own ashes
always shimmering with that last spark
yet never becoming enough to re-ignite an inferno

When

when fascination and total love slip by
when ones you should truly love, you don't
when you get hurt by those that are hurting themselves
when the first couldn't be farther, yet it still lingers

when you feel nothing for those that do
and when the person who is distant is there somewhere
when you're close to marriage with someone you barely even know
when one you truly love is left for no reason

when ugliness comes from the most beautiful
when beauty comes from the ones you least expect
when people say they care--but not to you
when the right ones are afraid

when you love people you barely even know
and when the loveliest seem absolutely impossible
when people hide in order to avoid being seen
when others turn to others at the thought of turning to you

when a kiss is mistaken for forever
when the lustful leave you cold
when the loved ones leave you angry
when the most serious love comes from a friend